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Notes from the Fraser Valley Violence Prevention Society…..

Identifying An Abuser

Sometimes women say they go fro one abusive relationship to another. “If there is an abusive man in a room full of 500 people, I’ll make a beeline for him every time.” The difficulty is that people are not generally abusive at the beginning of a relationship. The following is a list warning signals which may help in staying out of an abusive relationship.

  • The way he talks about women he has been involved with in the past. If he refers to them as “bitches”, “sluts”, “pigs” then it will be easy for him to call you those things when you do something he doesn’t like.
  • The way he talks about problems in his life or in previous relationships. If everything is always someone else’s fault, you will find yourself thinking “poor guy-he’s been treated badly by everyone else. I’ll make it better for him” then it is likely he cannot take responsibility for his part in the problems in his life.
  • Ask about his family. Meet his parents. Find out if there has been any abuse or violence in his family and listen to how he talks about it. If he defends the abuser or criticizes the person in the family who was abused and says it was their own fault it is likely he would find it easy to justify his own abuse.
  • Ask about his children. If he has children and he has no contact with them it is possible he will not understand your need to be with your own children. He may say it’s all his wife’s fault or someone else’s fault that he doesn’t spend any time with them but it is important to ask yourself why someone would work so hard to prevent him from seeing his kids. Remember, his hard luck story is only one side of it.
  • If you find yourself giving up time with your friends, family or children or quitting activities or a job you like because you are afraid if you don’t spend time with him you will lose him, it could be he is possessive, jealous, and controlling. It could also be your own insecurity about the relationship. Whatever the reason, if you have these feelings it is important to pay attention to them. The only solution is to continue to spend time with your children or friends as you have always done. Keep that job and the activities you like. If it’s your insecurity, with time, the feelings will go away as you recognize he’s still with you. If it’s his possessiveness he will either have to get over it to stay with you or he will decide to go away. If he decides to go away because he cannot control you, it was a relationship you were better off without. Remember, isolation exists in almost all abusive relationships.
  • Watch how he talks to and treats children. If he tells you you are too soft on your kids he may want to be too hard. Also beware of the man who works hard to get close to your children quickly. This could be a way of trying to move into your life before you are ready for him (it is a common strategy of with pedophiles who look for single women with children. A man with any past sex offences or who is not allowed visits or unsupervised visits with his own children could be a danger to your own children.)
  • Watch how he treats animals. Men who can abuse pets will find it easy to abuse people.
  • Pay attention to how he deals with frustration. Does he get really angry or aggressive when someone is going too slow or cuts him off in traffic. Does he threaten others? Does he get into fights with other men? Does he talk about dealing with situations by using violence? Does he believe it is okay to hit people if they do him wrong or to take the law into his own hands? These are all signs of someone whose belief structure will allow them to use violence and abuse with you if you do something he doesn’t like.
  • How responsible is he? Is he paying child support or does he say “I’m not giving that bitch a dime.” Is he hiding to avoid paying child support? Can he keep a job? Does he always lose jobs and blame it on the fact that everyone he works for is a jerk? Is he financially responsible?
  • How is he with his mother? Does he treat her with respect? How does he refer to her? Be aware that any issues he has with his m other may reflect his beliefs about women.
  • Is he a substance abuser? People who are substance abusers will put their need for drugs or alcohol before anything else. This will affect the way he spends money, the time he is willing to spend with you and the friends he may have. In addition, alcohol and soe drugs can remove inhibitions and make it easier for abuse to happen.
  • Does he tell jokes about women that are sexist and put-downs? Does he ever say it makes sense if a woman was raped or assaulted because she deserved it or that it was her fault in some way?
  • If he is play-fighting with you, wrestling or tickling you, does he respect your wishes when you ask him to stop or does he keep going or call you a wimp? Does he respect your wishes if you ask him to slow down when  he is driving fast?
  • Beware of someone who wants to look after you – who treats you like a child – who wants to teach you how to do things differently. It is likely this person will want to change a lot about you and once he starts will feel he has the right to change anything he doesn’t like.

REMEMBER, ALL ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS START OUT GOOD. RESPECTING YOU AS A WOMAN AND YOUR RIGHT TO BE YOURSELF IS THE ONLY ROUTE TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.